Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Dear Carolyn,
I had thought that you were open to talking about some of the issues that we obviously have with each other. I was hoping that I would be able to sit down with you and talk about things. Honestly, I think that all the unpleasantness of the last 28 years and more could have been rather easily dealt with had we all merely communicated openly with one another. Over the years I tried intermittently to get my dad to talk with me about what happened between Holly and me back in '76, but he never wanted to and I didn't push it. So when Jan told me you were open to a reconciliation I thought that meant that we could talk things out and perhaps, as a result, put it all in the past where it belongs.
I am sure that we both harbor many misconceptions about each other; it's a predictable result of our lack of personal communication. One of your own misconceptions was apparent in your letter. You think I didn't want to be in Houston back in '76, but I did, very much so. If you remember, I was quite happy that summer and early fall. Dad and I took Bart to his football games. Bart and I built and flew really interesting kinds of paper and wire airplanes. We went skeet shooting with dad. Bart and I even hunted all over the neighborhood for the car that killed poor scooter because we both were mad that that driver’s negligence had hurt Holly so badly. There were of course many sibling issues that Holly and even Bart had with me, and I with them, but these were not abnormal in a step-family. These types of issues are common and with a little communication can be resolved, sometimes easily. Instead of positive action you and dad put me on a bus. I haven't seen you or anyone else since.
Hence, I have always assumed that you wanted me gone, and took our sibling issues as a pretext to seeing me onto that bus. I am willing to admit that I could be wrong about this, but 28 years of silence from you and zero contact with anyone other than my dad seems to bolster my earlier conclusion, a conclusion made in the absence of any other relevant information.
As for my dad and myself, I had spoken to him and written to him several times since '76 and prior to '91. I was thrilled and surprised when he came to my wedding in the UK, and hoped that it meant we would have more time together in the future. In order to make him proud of me I even earned a pilot's license and did a 6 year term of Army service. (I'm glad I did those things even if they did fail to impress him much) In any case, I had hoped over the years that there would be some contact with you and my siblings someday. But year followed year and I got used to the fact that invitations for holidays and such with the family would not be forthcoming. I didn't really understand it though. I wasn't a teenager with teenage troubles any longer, and yet you and dad still never invited me back for even a brief visit or holiday.
Well look, I've said more than I wanted to. My whole idea of contacting you was to try and get your help in contacting Kristin, Holly, and Bart. You're right though; I can do it without your help. But if they have built up defenses or biases against me formed over all these years of no contact, then your help would be invaluable. As it is I have no idea how to break the ice....but as you say it is up to me and them I guess.
I do hope that whatever transpires, or fails to, between you and I will not impact April's status with you and your end of the family. She only wants to know her family, and has little idea of what caused the split in the first place. As you can probably tell, I didn't say a negative word to her about dad and you. She's a clean slate, and a good kid. She’s going to want to come back and see you all if she’s welcomed.
As for me Carolyn, I have no deep dark desire to heap blame upon you. Nor do I have an urgent need to forgive you and dad. I don’t really feel anything anymore. I honestly think it would have been nice if I could have come to visit you, talk this stuff out with you, and come to a mutual understanding. It would have been healthy, and who knows, perhaps we could have even been friends? When I look through old pictures of me as a child with you holding my hand, I wonder why it all had to work out this way. I had thought you could help me figure that out.
That letter I wrote back in ’91 was born out of years of frustration and rejection. Dad telling me I was not welcome to come to my grandmother’s funeral was just the trigger. In the final analysis it was psychologically easier for me to finally reject you and dad, than it was for me to try and figure out why you both had rejected me.
I’m not your enemy Carolyn, nor am I your friend. I’m just an ordinary guy who would like to be re-introduced to his brother and sisters, and you are someone who could help if only you wished to. I hadn’t asked you this before, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to try. Well I tried, I was hopeful that you might be open to the suggestion. You weren’t, but like I said, it didn’t hurt to ask….
Have a good rest of your life Carolyn, I won’t bother you again. If you ever change your mind you know how to reach me.
(signed)
Rick
"If it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
--Alexsandr Solzhenitsyn
